The Dead Homepage Sketch

Surfer: 'Ello, Miss?

Webmaster: What do you mean, 'miss'?

Surfer: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Webmaster: I'm closing for lunch...

Surfer: Never mind that, my dearie. I wish to complain about this website what I found not one minute ago from Google.

Webmaster: (looking shifty) Oh yes, the, uh, the Random Assortment of Webpages Loosely Conglomerated Into An Odd Sort of Site... What's, uh... What's wrong with it?

Surfer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my dearie! It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Webmaster: No, no! It's uh,... it's resting.

Surfer: Look, love, I know a dead website when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Webmaster: No, no, it's not dead, it's - it's restin'! Remarkable site, the Random Assortment of Webpages Loosely Conglomerated Into An Odd Sort of Site innit, ay? Beautiful images!

Surfer: The images don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Webmaster: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

Surfer: All right then, if it's restin', I'll hit refresh and get it back up! (shouting at the server) 'Ello, Mister Pretty Page! I've got a lovely fresh guestbook entry for you if you show -

(Owner hits the server)

Webmaster: There, it pinged!

Surfer: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the server!

Webmaster: I never!!

Surfer: Yes, you did!

Webmaster: I never, never did anything -

Surfer: (yelling and hitting the refresh button repeatedly) 'ELLO SITEY-WITEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your 1,000th Visitor's Counter Hit!

(Starts up an FTP program and attempts to connect repeatedly to the server. Throws ping packets at it steadily for twenty minutes, and watches it eventually crash Internet Explorer)

Surfer: Now that's what I call a dead website.

Webmaster: No, no... no, it's rebooted!

Surfer: REBOOTED?!?

Webmaster: Yeah! You crashed it, just as it was getting back up online! The Random Assortment of Webpages Loosely Conglomerated Into An Odd Sort of Site crashes easily, major.

Surfer: Um... now look... now look, missy, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. This website is definitely deceased, and when I found it not five minutes ago, you assured me that its total lack of updates was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged lack of interest.

Webmaster: Well, it's... it's, ah... probably pining for the desktop folders.

Surfer: PININ' for the FOLDERS?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it go arse up the moment I got it filed in my bookmarks?

Webmaster: The Random Assortment of Webpages Loosely Conglomerated Into An Odd Sort of Site prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable site, innit, squire? Lovely images!

Surfer: Look, I took the liberty of examining this website when I got it downloaded, and I discovered the only reason that it had been on the server in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Webmaster: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that site down, it would have nuzzled up to those file managers, bent 'em apart with its ASCII code, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Surfer: 'VOOM'?! Miss, this website wouldn't "voom" if you put four million Flash animations through it! It's bleedin' demised!

Webmaster: No no! It's resting!

Surfer: It's not resting! It's passed on! This website is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of web traffic, it rests in peace! If you hadn't left it lingering on the server it'd be pushing up the daisies! Its HTML processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off its digital coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' computer invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-WEBSITE!!

(pause)

Webmaster: Well, I'd better replace it, then.


And if you've gotten this far, you deserve to know where it is!

http://alryssa.empty-spaces.net (Currently under construction)

alryssa @ panatropic . net